Christmas Witch is Coming to Town

Here comes Christmas Witch,
Here comes Christmas Witch,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.
She’s got an unrealistic to-do list
Making her crazy again.
Phone is ringing, baby screaming,
Girls are having a fight,
So jump in bed, cover up your head,
‘Cause Christmas Witch comes tonight.


Every year Christmas Witch visits my house. John the Baptist prepared the way for Jesus, and Christmas Witch prepares the way for Santa.

Some years she has dropped in as early as September or October to threaten all the children in our house. “If you don’t obey me RIGHT NOW, Santa might not bring you any presents,” she roars to the precious little ones.

Thank goodness her early autumn visits are short! It’s late autumn, about Thanksgiving time, that she moves in with us and things get ugly. First off, she issues a decree: “Santa doesn’t bring presents to children who already have a billion toys that are continually on the floor! Therefore, any child who wants presents must throw away at least a third of the toys they have!”

The precious little ones weep and wail, but she yells at them to “Shush up!” Then she continues with her edict: “Toys are to be kept on the shelf and in the toy box! Santa does not deliver to messy children who like to dump and spread!”

The weeps and wails continue while the Goodwill pile grows, until finally the Christmas Witch is satisfied and moves on to her to-do list. While she is occupied making unrealistic plans, the precious little ones are left alone to dry their tears and warm their hearts with thoughts of stuffed stockings.

Some say Christmas Witch’s to-do list is the cause of her bad temper, but others believe her heart is simply too small. Either way, the list does distract her from issuing more of her vicious decrees. So long as the children don’t have any needs, such as eating, washing, being tucked in at night, or loved during the day, she is too busy to abuse them. Only when children distract her from her mission of preparing the way for Santa does the Christmas Witch become cruel.

The Christmas Witch is, after-all, a zealot, so she has strong feelings. For instance, when she hears children quarreling, she doesn’t approve. “Quit yelling!” she screams. “You’re hurting my ears! And don’t you remember that Santa’s elves are watching?! You act like you don’t even want any toys!” She turns to leave the room, but pauses to point a crooked finger at the oldest child. “And you’d better share your toys! Santa doesn’t give toys to children who don’t share!”

The children escape to the living room, but she follows them there and finds something else that triggers her strong feelings:

“Step back from the Baby Jesus!” she orders in her most forceful voice. “That is my Jesus, my nativity set, and it’s an expensive one! SO DON’T TOUCH IT!” The children rush to put Mary and Jesus back where they found them while Christmas Witch is getting on her shoes and coat. She’s heading out to the neighbor’s yard to steal some holly.

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One Response to Christmas Witch is Coming to Town

  1. Annie Bowlby

    This is too, too funny! What a brilliant tour de force of comedy, irony, and pure precious insight!

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