Pregnancy 101

As I embark on my fourth pregnancy, I would like to share what I have learned from my past pregnancies with those who have never been pregnant or who have forgotten the joys of pregnancy.

Pregnancy is generally divided into three trimesters, followed by post-partum. The first trimester is called Bring Me the Honey; the middle term is called Go-Go Bunny; the last trimester is referred to as This is No Longer Funny; and the post-partum stage is known as Fork Over All Your Money.

Bring Me the Honey: During the first trimester, the mother-to-be must be exalted in her family hive as the most important player in human reproduction. While she rests on her throne, concentrating on her queen bee role, the worker bees bring her honey, meaning delicious foods that appeal to her fertile appetite. Generally speaking, these foods must be things she hasn’t seen, touched or tasted in at least three months. They don’t necessarily need to be healthy, but they do need to have the finest ingredients. Workers bees do well to forage for this honey in the deli section of QFC.

Although the queen bee has wings, she doesn’t normally use them except in dire situations, such as when the worker bees fail to make the necessary sacrifices to meet her royal needs. In such cases, the queen bee will abandon her meditation and fly wherever is necessary to find suitable honey. If she is not allowed to do this, she will vomit on the floor.

Go-Go Bunny: The second term is called go-go bunny because the queen bee metamorphoses into a darling little bunny that is always on the go. She does darling things like sew and paint. The worker bees must continue to support her, not with honey, but with work.

This is No Longer Funny: During the last stage of pregnancy, things become less darling. The go-go bunny becomes sluggish and bloated. Her ribs hurt. Her back hurts. She has to wake up fourteen times a night to use the toilet. And when labor begins, she remembers what her hormones have tried to make her forget: birth is more painful than anything her husband has ever experienced. He always feels so proud of her for bringing a baby into the world. But she just wants him to feel sorry for her! This is no longer funny.

Fork Over All Your Money: During this last stage, the mother’s body returns to somewhat of a normal state. Her checkbook, however, is blown all out of whack. When she receives a mountain of bills in her mail box, she calls the hospital to notify them of a billing error. Surely, they have confused her with a brain surgery patient. They doublecheck to see that the name is right, which it is. They, in turn, inform her that giving birth costs more than a trip to Timbuktu, Hong Kong, and back again.

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5 Responses to Pregnancy 101

  1. Cathy Marshall

    Too fun. I loved the :she will vomit on the floor” part. You do have a wonderful way with words. You brought back memories – good and bad. Thanks, Lara!

  2. Katrina

    Lara,
    I found your blog through some link on facebook. I enjoyed this and many of your other posts. I miss seeing you more often than I do. I realized the other day that we are due at the same time. I am currently craving doughnuts and strawberry milkshakes, but I will not allow myself doughnuts or shakes so I make batches upon batches of cookies to soothe my cravings. (It only makes sense!)

  3. You are too funny. I must say, I thought the Go-Go Bunny stage was going to be something altogether different, but then I remembered that you are Mormon, and therefore very pure (are we at the stage in our friendship where I can safely joke about your religion — and you mine?). Oh, by the way, congrats. Oh, and by the way by the way, I’m caught up on your blog so I won’t be calling you for a while.

  4. Peggy

    Alright lady. This is no longer funny! It is time for you to get writing. These are so funny, but I’ve read them all. Move it lady!

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