I sent out a Christmas letter without a family photo this year, which I’m sure has put my kin in a tizzy of curiosity. Stay calm, folks! You’ve come to the right place.
Before I solve the mystery for you, let’s talk Christmas photos for a minute. First of all, there are three reasons for exchanging Christmas photos: First of all, to see who got fat. Second of all, to see who is rich (for example, with a family photo set in Djibouti). And third, to see whose kids are the cutest. I will answer these questions frankly on this blog, so that I don’t have to go to the trouble of printing and stuffing photos, and so that you won’t have to examine and reexamine the photo in order to interpret the evidence correctly.
Who got fat? I did.
Who has money? I don’t.
Whose kids are the cutest? Mine.
I got fat
I did. I admit it. I ate with abandonment for nine months, counting on my miracle weight loss plan to lose it in thirty minutes. As far as miracle weight loss plans go, this one is amazing. I lost fifteen pounds through a one day workout and thirty minutes of excruciating pain. Unfortunately, I have 15 pounds to go.
Who has money
We don’t. My husband works in education and the state just loves to freeze and cut his salary. Meanwhile, our children seem to be more numerous every day. But we can’t complain because my husband has a job, and all you really need is love, which we’ve got LOTS of.
Whose kids are cutest
Mine are. I know some of you are skeptical about this one. I can tell by the size of the bows on your children in your Christmas photos that you think your kids are cuter than mine. I don’t mean to blow your mind, but my children are SO cute, that they don’t even have to wear a bow or ridiculous hat to prove it. Occasionally, though, we do put a bow or hat on, just to rub it in that, indeed, our kids are cutest.
I don’t often post photos of my children because I don’t want you to feel jealous, but since I’m fat and poor, I’ve got to brag about something. So here they are, the world’s cutest children: