Nine years ago my hubby and I donned funny flat hats and picked up our college diplomas. We both had bachelor’s degrees, and we were equals. It only lasted a year or so, though. Pretty soon he was in graduate school, then an apprenticeship, and now it’s back to graduate school again. I’m feeling so inferior that I watch over his shoulder while he changes a diaper to inform him that I could have completed the job with fewer wipes and saved our family $0.002. I also brag about how great I am at cleaning house, but he one-ups me with comments such as, “I really like vacuuming, but I gave that up when we got married.”
I’ve been stewing and soul-searching and came to realize that while I don’t technically have any new diplomas, I deserve some new diplomas because motherhood has expanded my intellect in ways he hasn’t even considered. I’m not talking diapering efficiency, and I’m not talking about namby-pamby things like love and patience. I’m talking zoology.
You don’t believe me do you? Well, here goes. Do you know what a murder is? Yeah, I knew you didn’t! It’s a flock of crows. Do you know what a smack is? Yeah, I’m superior! I’m talking smack! It’s a herd of jellyfish! Do you know what animal defies classification? Duh, it’s a platypus! What animal stands on its hands to scare away predators? Take that! It’s a skunk! What animal sings songs that are heard miles away? Blue whales, you dope! What’s a baby horse called? I bet you think it’s a colt, don’t you? You fool, it’s a foal!
There you go, I’m a mother of four, a bachelor’s of arts, honorary PhD of zoology, and a wife to my intellectual equal.